• Making fun of your speech or English skills
• If your partner is Deaf, he puts you down by calling you "hearing" because you are not fluent enough in ASL, or because you do not identify strongly as Deaf
• Making fun of your ASL style
• Taking advantage of the Deaf hierarchy, saying Deaf families are better
• Telling you that you have problems while he has no problems interacting in the Deaf community
• Telling you that you are too sensitive, too “hearing,” or “hearing-minded”

• Taking away your SSI checks or making you lose it by reporting additional income
• Ruining your chances for a job by spreading rumors about you in the Deaf community.

• Using ASL to make you afraid with gestures, facial expressions, or exaggerated signs, then denying it by saying that is Deaf culture to justify the behavior (example: saying you are so fat in ASL with deep or strong facial expressions, and claiming that it is permissible by Deaf culture to do so)
• Overuse of floor stomping and pounding on the table or door to get your attention
• Signing very close to your face when angry
• Using intimidation with body language in ASL
• Getting angry because you look away while he is talking
• Taking your SSI check
• Checking your pager, instant messenger, or e-mail
• Checking your TTY, VRS, and Videophone conversations
• Controls which Deaf friends you talk to
• Moving away from the Deaf community to isolate you
• Demanding that you discuss issues with him first before discussing with others in the Deaf community
• Telling you that no one will believe you, and that he is too well respected in the Deaf community
• Telling you that a shelter will not accept you because you are deaf
• Taking advantage of the lack of accessible services for Deaf survivors

• Denying abuse by saying it is ok in Deaf culture to touch you roughly or talk to you roughly
• Throwing objects as an acceptable way to get attention
• Telling private things to people while standing next to you (example: "My wife is lousy in bed."); justifying this action by saying that is common for Deaf people to share everything with each other

• If you have a hearing partner, he doesn't allow the children to use ASL to communicate with you
• He doesn't allow the children to be proud of Deaf culture, he puts down you as a Deaf mother, and puts down your Deaf friends
• He tells you and the children that you cannot go to a shelter because everyone is hearing, so you are better off with him because you can communicate with him

• He does not tell you when people try to call you
• He excludes you from important phone calls (example: making financial decisions without you knowing)
• Leaving you out in social situations with hearing people
• Not allowing you to have access to Deaf culture, or putting down the Deaf community
• Taking advantage of the system which is not fully accessible to Deaf people.(i.e. the restraining order hearing gets postponed because of no interpreters)
• Putting you down by saying you are no good because you are Deaf
• If you call the police, he will try to interpret and take control of the situation to his benefit

• Threatening to report you to SSI if you make too much money
• Destroying your reputation by spreading false rumors
• Using his power in the Deaf community to pressure you to stay with him
• Using the Deaf school as the reason why you have to stay together to support your Deaf children
• Using his prestige as a leader or position of power in the Deaf community to discredit your story about the violence
  
  
  Domestic violence can happen to anyone regardless of race, age, sexual orientation, religion, or gender. Domestic violence affects people of all socioeconomic backgrounds and education levels. Domestic violence occurs in both opposite-sex and same-sex relationships and can happen to intimate partners who are married, living together, or dating.
  
  Domestic violence not only affects those who are abused, but also has a substantial effect on family members, friends, co-workers, other witnesses, and the community at large. Children, who grow up witnessing domestic violence, are among those seriously affected by this crime. Frequent exposure to violence in the home not only predisposes children to numerous social and physical problems, but also teaches them that violence is a normal way of life - therefore, increasing their risk of becoming society's next generation of victims and abusers.

• Coercion (bullying) and threats
• Intimidation
• Use of children
• Isolation
• Jealousy and blame to justify actions
• Makes you scared
• Calls you bad names
• Breaks / hides your tty or pager
• Controls your money
• Doesn’t let you visit your Deaf friends
• Breaks / hides your hearing aids
• Hits you
• Hits your children or your pets
• Kicks you
• Forces you to have sex
• Slaps you
• Shoves / pushes you

• Embarrass or belittle you or put you down?
• Say hurtful things to you?
• Dislike your friends and family and discourage your relationships with others?
• Make all the decisions in the relationship?
• Chastise you after social functions for talking with other people?
• Act jealous of people you talk to?
• Blame you for his or her mistakes?
• Try to make you feel worthless or helpless?
• Forbid or prevent you from working or going to school?
• Keep money, credit cards, and checking accounts away from you?
• Control access to your medicines or medical devices?
• Threaten to have you deported?
• Throw dishes or other objects?
• Abuse your children or pet when mad at you?
• Push, slap, kick, or otherwise assault you?
• Demand sex, make you perform sexual acts you are not comfortable with, or sexually assault you?
• Cause you to be afraid to disagree with him?
• Cause you to apologize often for his behavior?
• Act jealous when you see your family and friends?
• Prevent you from getting a job or go to school without his permission?
• Prevent you from using your tty, email, pager or videophone while he is gone so you can’t contact anyone?
• Frightens you by his temper?

• Bruises or injuries that look like they came from choking, punching, or being thrown down. Black eyes, red or purple marks at the neck, and sprained wrists are common injuries sustained in violent relationships. An injury such as bruised arms might suggest that a victim tried to defend herself.
• Attempting to hide bruises with makeup or clothing.
• Making excuses like tripping or being accident-prone or clumsy. Often the seriousness of the injury does not match up with the explanation.
• Having low self-esteem; being extremely apologetic and meek.
• Referring to the partner's temper but not disclosing extent of abuse.
• Having few close friends and being isolated from relatives and coworkers and kept from making friends.
• Having little money available; may not have credit cards or even a car.
• Having a drug or alcohol abuse problem.
• Having symptoms of depression, such as sadness or hopelessness, or loss of interest in daily activities.
• Talking about suicide or attempting suicide

MYTHS AND FACTS: DOMESTIC VIOLENCE

MYTH #1: Domestic Violence affects only a small percentage of the population and is rare
FACT: National studies estimate that 3 to 4 million women are beaten each year in our country.  A study conducted in 1995 found that 31% of women surveyed admitted to having been physically assaulted by a husband or boyfriend.  Domestic violence is the leading cause of injury to women between the ages of 15 and 44 in our country, and the FBI estimates that a woman is beaten every 15 seconds.  30% of female homicide victims are killed by partners or ex-partners and 1,500 women are murdered as a result of domestic violence each year in the United States.

MYTH #2: Domestic Violence occurs only in poor, uneducated and minority families.
FACT:  Studies of domestic violence consistently have found that battering occurs among all types of families, regardless of income, profession, region, ethnicity, educational level or race.  However, the fact that lower income victims and abusers are over-represented in calls to police, battered women’s shelters and social services may be due to a lack of other resources.

MYTH #3:  The real problem is couples who assault each other.  Women are just as violent as men.
FACT:  A well-publicized study conducted by Dr. Murray Strauss at the University of New Hampshire found that women use violent means to resolve conflict in relationships as often as men.  However, the study also concluded that when the context and consequences of an assault are measured, the majority of victims are women.  The U.S. Department of Justice has found that 95% of the victims of spouse abuse are female.  Men can be victims, but it is rare.

MYTH #4:  Alcohol abuse causes Domestic Violence.
FACT:  Although there is a high correlation between alcohol, or other substance abuse, and battering, it is not a causal relationship.  Batterers use drinking as one of many excuses for their violence and as a way to place the responsibility for their violence elsewhere.  Stopping the abusers’ drinking will not stop the violence.  Both battering and substance abuse need to be addressed separately, as overlapping yet independent problems.  

MYTH #5:  Domestic Violence is usually a one time, isolated occurrence.
FACT:  Battering is a pattern of coercion and control that one person exerts over another.  Battering is not just one physical attack.  It includes the repeated use of a number of tactics, including intimidation, threats, economic deprivation, isolation and psychological and sexual abuse.  Physical violence is just one of these tactics.  The various forms of abuse utilized by batterers help to maintain power and control over their spouses and partners.

MYTH #6:  Men who batter are often good fathers and should have joint custody of their children if the couple separates.
FACT: Studies have found that men who batter their wives also abuse their children in 70% of cases.  Even when children are not directly abuse, they suffer as a result of witnessing one parent assault another.  Batterers often display an increased interest in their children at the time of separation, as a means of maintaining contact with, and thus control over, their partners.

MYTH #7: When there is violence in the family, all members of the family are participating in the dynamic, and therefore, all must change for the violence to stop.
FACT: Only the batterer has the ability to stop the violence.  Battering is a behavioral choice for which the batter must be held accountable.  Many battered women make numerous attempts to change their behavior in the hope that this will stop the abuse.  This does not work.  Changes in family members’ behavior will not cause the batterer to be non-violent.

MYTH #8:  Battered women are masochistic and provoke the abuse.  They must like it or they would leave.
FACT: Victim provocation is no more common in Domestic Violent than in any other crime.  Battered women often make repeated attempts to leave violent relationships, but are prevented from doing so by increase violence and control tactics on the part of the abuser.  Other factors which inhibit a victim’s ability to leave include economic dependence, few viable options for housing and support, unhelpful responses from the criminal justice system or other agencies, social isolation, cultural or religious constraints, a commitment to the abuser and the relationship and fear of further violence.  It has been estimated that the danger to a victim increases by 70% when she attempts to leave, as the abuser escalates his use of violence when he begins to lose control.

MYTH #9: Men have a right to discipline their partners for misbehaving.  Battering is not a crime.
FACT: While our society derives from a patriarchal legal system that afforded men the right to physically chastise their wives and children, we do not live under such a system now.  Women and children are no longer considered the property of men, and domestic violence is a crime in every state in the country.

MYTH #10: No one would hurt or commit an act of violence against a woman with a disability.
FACT:  Women with disabilities and Deaf women are just as likely as women without disabilities to be victims of domestic violence.  In addition, for women with disabilities the abuse tended to last longer and involve more than one perpetrator.

MYTH #11: Caring for a person with a disability is stressful; therefore, abuse in those situations is understandable, expected, or justified by the circumstances.
FACT: While it can be stressful to care for someone else, stress is, in this and most cases, used as an excuse for abusive behavior.  Most people experience stress, as a caregiver or in general, but do not respond by abusing other people.  Violence and abuse stem from a need to gain power and control.

Sources: Accessing Initiative Safety

If you are an immigrant or refugee in an abusive relationship, you may face unique issues that make it hard to reach out for help. This page will help you to better understand your situation and the resources available to you or someone you know.

What can I do?
There are a variety of services available to assist you. You do not have to be a U.S. citizen to take advantage of many resources in your area. Some services available to you include: domestic violence shelters, hospitals, police, legal aid and counseling and support groups. The other sections on this page provide information about accessing services for immigrants.

Can I call the police?
Domestic violence is against the law.  The police can:

Respond to an emergency call for help.

Escort you and your children out of the house and help you locate a safe place to stay if you want to leave.

Arrest your partner if they believe a crime has been committed.

If you call the Police:
Find someone other than your child or abuser to interpret for you.

Ask the police to complete a report about the incident and get an incident report number so that you can get a copy of the report.

Ask for and write down the name and badge number of the officer making the report.

Important: If your partner is taken into custody, he may be released in as soon as two hours. You may use this time to find a safe place to go.

The police generally will not turn in a woman reporting domestic violence to immigration authorities.

Can I leave my home if I am in danger?
You can go to a friend or family member’s house or a women’s shelter if you are in danger. If you stay with a friend or family member, keep your location a secret if possible. Shelters are usually free and will likely have information about other services available in your community. You have the right to keep your immigration status private.

If you leave your home, it is also helpful to bring documents such as:
Driver’s License
Identification
Passports
Visas for yourself and your children
Birth Certificates
Documents from any public assistance programs
Rent Agreements
Checkbooks
Credit Cards
Paycheck stubs
Marriage License
Copies of tax returns for yourself and your partner.
Copy of your husband’s resident alien card/certificate

If you think you may need to leave in the future, pack these items in a bag or take them to a friend’s home so you can find them quickly.

I have heard of protection orders. What do they do?
A protection order can prevent the abuser from:

Coming near you

Attacking you or sexually assaulting you

Contacting you, your children or other family members

In most states, you can also ask for custody of your children and child support. You may also be able to ask that the batterer be removed from your home and that the batterer not interfere with your immigration status.

Can I get a protection order even if I am not a U.S. citizen?
You do not need to be a U.S. citizen or legal permanent resident to get a protection order. A lawyer may be helpful, but one is not necessary to get a protection or restraining order.

You may obtain an application for a protection order at: courthouses, women’s shelters, legal services offices and some police stations.

A court generally will not ask about your immigration status when you ask for a protection order, a child custody order or dissolution of marriage.

Ask a legal services attorney (attorneys who provide free legal services to low-income individuals) or an immigrant advocacy group in your area about the policy in your court.

My husband is threatening to take my children away if I leave him. What can I do?
If your partner is threatening to kidnap your children or flee to his home country with them, you can:

1. Get a custody order. This order may include an order to prohibit your husband or intimate partner from removing the children from the country in which you live.


2. Give a copy of the order to your children’s school and tell the school staff not to release the children to anyone but you.

3. If the children are U.S. citizens, send a copy of the order to the embassy in your partner’s home country and a copy to the U.S. Department of State to prevent them from issuing passports and visas for the children.

Make sure that you have recent photos, passports and birth certificates for the children. Keep a list of addresses and phone numbers of your husband’s or intimate partner’s friends and relatives in his home country.

Will I be deported if I take any of the above actions?
If you are now a U.S. citizen, or you are a lawful permanent resident or you possess a valid visa, you cannot be deported unless you entered the United States with fraudulent documents, violated conditions of your visa or have committed certain crimes.

If you are undocumented or are unsure about your immigration status, you should seek the assistance of an immigration attorney to see if you can legalize your status. Until then, you should do what you need to do to make yourself safe.

How can I get lawful permanent residency without my husband’s help?
Women who are married to U.S. citizens or lawful permanent residents have two ways to get their residency independently (Important: You should first consult a shelter advocate, immigration attorney or domestic violence agency for assistance before applying for either of these options).

1. “Self-petitioning” - You can apply on your own for yourself and your children. Your husband plays no role in the process and does not have to know that you are applying for residency.

2. “Cancellation of Removal” - This is available to you only if you are in, or can be placed into, deportation proceedings. If you qualify for cancellation, the court may waive your deportation and grant you residency.

If you don’t qualify for either of these, don’t despair. The best thing to do is to discuss your situation with an immigration or domestic violence advocate.

How can I support myself and my children if I leave my husband?
The law requires that the father of your children support them, even if you are living apart or were never married to him and regardless of immigration status. Contact a family lawyer or a domestic violence advocate to find out how to obtain child support in your state.

Other considerations for support:

Some married women may also be eligible to receive spousal support or alimony.

Lawful permanent residents may use their “green cards” or resident alien cards to demonstrate their eligibility to work.

Refugees and other immigrants must apply for authorization to work.

An immigration attorney will be able to tell you whether you are eligible for work authorization.

Will my husband or intimate partner be deported if I take action?
If you seek assistance from a shelter or lawyer, it is extremely unlikely that your partner will be deported.

If you contact the police and your partner is convicted of a crime, he may be deported, depending on his immigration status and the seriousness of the crime.

It is important to remember that you must keep yourself and your children safe. It is your partner’s actions that have put him at risk.

Do I need to see an immigration attorney even if I cannot afford one?
Do not go to the INS without a lawyer or without consulting with a lawyer. Your conversation with the attorney will be confidential, and he or she cannot report you to the INS. If you cannot afford to pay an attorney, contact us or call the National Domestic Violence Hotline for help at 1-800-799-SAFE (7233) or 1-800-787-3224 (TTY).

• Not letting you hang out with your friends  
• Calling or paging you frequently to find out where you are, whom you're with, and what you're doing
• Telling you what to wear
• Having to be with you all the time

• Calling you names
• Jealousy
• Belittling you (cutting you down)
• Threatening to hurt you, someone in your family, or himself or herself if you don't do what he or she wants

• Shoving
• Punching
• Slapping
• Pinching
• Hitting
• Kicking
• Hair pulling 
• Strangling

• Unwanted touching and kissing
• Forcing you to have sex
• Not letting you use birth control
• Forcing you to do other sexual things

• Is jealous or possessive toward you?
• Won’t let you have friends?
• Checks up on you?
• Won’t accept breaking up?
• Tries to control you by being bossy?
• Giving orders?
• Making all the decisions?
• Doesn’t take you seriously?
• Is scary? You worry about how s/he will react to things you say or do? Threatens you? Uses or owns weapons?
• Is violent – has a history of fighting?  Loses temper easily?  Brags about mistreating others?
• Pressures you for sex?  Is forceful or scary around sex?  Thinks of you as a sex object?  Tries to guilt trip you by saying, “If you really loved me you would…”  Gets too serious about the relationship too fast?
• Abuses drugs or alcohol and pressures you to take them?
• Blames you for the mistreatment they might say that you provoked him/her, pushes his/her buttons, made him/her do it, led him/her on?
• Has a history of bad relationships and always blames other people for their problems?
• Believes that in a relationship one person should be in control and have all the power and the other person should be submissive?
• Your friends and family have warned you about the person or told you they are worried about your safety?

MYTH #1: It can’t happen to me.
FACT: More than 1 in 10 teenagers experience physical violence in their dating relationships.  Approximately one in five female high school students report being physically or sexually abused by a dating partner.

MYTH #2: Jealousy and possessiveness are a sign of true love.
FACT: Jealousy and possessiveness are a sign that the person sees you as a possession.  It is the most common early warning sign of abuse.

MYTH #3: Teen dating violence isn’t really that serious.
FACT: Thirty percent of all women who are murdered in this country are killed by their husband or boyfriend. According to a Massachusetts study, that same high percentage applied to teen women, aged 15-19, as well.  Also, 60% of all rapes reported to rape crisis centers are committed by acquaintances, and the majority of victims are aged 16-24.

MYTH #4: Men are battered by women just as often as women are battered by men.
FACT: The U.S. Bureau of Justice Statistics reports that 95% of the reported incidents of assaults in relationships are committed by males.

MYTH #5: Victims bring on the abuse themselves. They ask for it.
FACT: Perpetrators believe they have the right to use, abuse and control their partner, and they see the victim as less than equal to themselves. The victim has no control over the abuser.

MYTH #6: If a person stays in an abusive relationship, it must not be that bad.
FACT: People stay in abusive relationships for a number of reasons: fear, economic dependence, confusion, loss of self-confidence, not recognizing that what's happening is abusive, belief that the abuser needs their help or will change.

MYTH #7: Most batterers are from the lower class or are crazy.
FACT: Batterers are found in all classes and types of people: rich, poor, professional, unemployed, black, white, urban, and rural. They are heterosexual and/or GLBT.

MYTH #8: When you fall in love, nothing else matters.
FACT: When you fall in love, you matter, he matters, and the rest of your life matters.  Dropping out of your usual social circles, cutting time from your really long-standing friends, and playing into the nothing-else matters game leaves you with just that – nothing else. Giving any one person all your time, energy and attention puts them in a mighty powerful position. You are less likely to see the failures in the relationship, more likely to put up with the abuse, and definitely are on the road to an unhealthy relationship.

MYTH #9: Love means never having to say you're sorry.
FACT: The ability to apologize, to admit fault and to recognize mistakes constitutes on of the greatest traits in a solid partnership. Being in love means you are committed to say, "I'm sorry."

MYTH #10: If the person I'm dating spends a lot of money on me, I have to sleep with them.
FACT: If that person spends a lot of money, all you have to do is say "Thank you." You are not for sale! If you are not feeling comfortable with the money being spent and feeling the obligation, it is okay to set limits and not accept gifts or agree to go to places that cost money. Together, look for activities that do not cost money, and favors that are simply nice gestures, not elaborate gifts.

MYTH #11: The person I'm dating wouldn't get so jealous if they didn't really love me.
FACT: If the person you're dating really loves you, they wouldn't try to control you through jealousy. What's left unsaid is that they are insecure about their own feelings, and are unsure of themselves, and mistrustful. Jealousy is a negative emotion.

MYTH #12: Dating someone is better than dating no one.
FACT: You don't have to date someone to be someone. Instead, focus your energies onto yourself, your friends, your interests, and your job. Find out who you are and what you like, and enjoy doing these things with yourself.

MYTH #13: You're nobody until somebody loves you.
FACT: We all need the love of someone. But that does not mean we have to take it to the extremes of looking for love from just anyone. When we focus our existence as being tied up with somebody else's love, we lose sight of the most precious and important person in our lives, Ourselves. When we love ourselves, we are somebody.

MYTH #14: You always hurt the ones you love.
FACT: A solid, healthy relationship can never be sustained with pain and hurt as an element. Instead, it must be supported by the mutual theme, "You never hurt the one you love."

MYTH #15: He wouldn't hurt me if he didn't love me.
FACT: Perpetuated by films, music, and the media, women continue to be depicted as victims. Men also perpetuate this myth when they attempt to apologize or excuse their behavior with, "It's because I love you that I get so mad!" Women have been taught to be forgiving. We need to teach our sons and daughters that: "He won't hit if he really loves you."


(Reprinted and adapted from: 'News Flash', an online newsletter of the Family Violence Prevention Fund; Michigan State University: Myths and Facts about Dating Violence; "Teen Alert . . . Dating 101," Hawaii Domestic Violence Clearinghouse and Legal Hotline; "Preventing Teen Dating Violence," The Dating Violence Intervention Project, Cambridge, MA.)

• Erotomania
  The victim is usually some kind of celebrity and the stalker falsely believes the victim is in love with them.
• Love Obsessional
  The stalker is obsessed with the victim and selects the victim from a fantasy set of prerequisites.  The stalker is at first a stranger to the victim.
• Simple Obsessional
  Stalker and victim know each other.  They worked together, dated casually, were lovers, or were once married.  This is the most common type of stalking.
• Cyberstalking
  Use of the Internet, e-mail, and other electronic communication devices to stalk another person.

• The majority of cases involve stalking by former intimates, although stranger stalking occurs in the real world and in cyberspace.
• Most victims are women; most stalkers are men.
• Stalkers are generally motivated by the desire to control the victim.

• Offline stalking generally requires the perpetrator and the victim to be in the same geographic area; cyberstalkers may be across the street or across the country.
• Electronic communication technologies make it much easier for a cyberstalker to encourage third parties to harass or threaten a victim (e.g., a stalker will impersonate
• the victim and post inflammatory messages on bulletin boards and in chat rooms, causing viewers of these messages to send threatening messages back to the victim).
• Electronic communication technologies also lower the barriers to harassment and threats; a cyberstalker does not need to physically confront the victim.

• Following the victim or waiting around in places they may be found.
• Vandalizing property.
• Persisting in unwanted phone calls, e-mails, letters, gifts or cards. Messages may be “romantic”, hostile, threatening, or bizarre.
• Displaying knowledge of the person’s activities, clothing, or companions that could be known only through surveillance or by accessing the car, home, workplace, etc.
• Obtaining unlisted telephone numbers.
• Cyber-stalking is the use of the internet to identify or track a victim.  Among many tactics, cyber-stalkers may:
• Intercept e-mail
• Read electronic records of Internet sites visited
• Install software that reports keystrokes made on the victim’s computer

• Stalking is a course of conduct directed at a specific person that places a reasonable person in fear for her or his safety.  It is against the law in every state.  Stalking across state line or in federal territories is illegal under federal law.

• 1 in 12 twelve women and 1 in 45 men will be stalked in their lifetimes.

• 1.4 million people are stalked every year in the United States.

• 76 percent of women killed by their intimate partners were stalked by these partners before they were killed.  All stalkers should be considered unpredictable and very dangerous.

• Stalking victims often lose time from work or never return to work, and some even relocate to regain a sense of safety.  Many suffer from anxiety, insomnia, and severe depression as a result of being stalked.

• The vast majority of stalking victims are ordinary people. Furthermore, most stalkers are not strangers, but are known by their victim.

• Stalking often begins during a relationship. Stalkers may keep the victim under surveillance or threaten her or him.  Others begin stalking after the victim has ended the relationship, and the stalker feels desperate to maintain or regain control.  Still others become fixated on a victim without ever having any relationship with the person.  All forms of stalking are unpredictable, an all should be considered dangerous.

• Although newly-developed technology enhances our lives, it can also empower criminals.  Cell phones, computers, and surveillance equipment are just some of the technologies stalkers now use.

• Police, prosecutors, advocates, educators, reporters, neighbors … everyone can and should play a part in stopping stalking.  Working together, we can make victims safer.

• Visit www.ncvc.org/src to learn more about stalking and how to fight it.

• If you or someone you know is being stalked, call 1-800-FYI-CALL for assistance.